B.Løvetann

Sometimes life takes turns that seem like they belong only in movies.

When I reported the assault, I did so with the kind of innocence only a child can have. I wasn’t entirely sure what I expected, but I truly believed that everything would somehow work itself out.

I was called in for several police interviews with two or three different officers.
Then came the waiting.
Eventually, I was assigned a lawyer, although I think I only spoke to him once.

When I went to visit my dad, I realized everything had changed.
My grandfather was angry.
Not just at the situation.
He was angry at me.

No one talked to me about what was happening. Everything was simply swept under the rug.
Almost every time I walked into the house, my grandfather would sigh in annoyance. If I said anything, I was met with a disapproving grunt—or a scolding.

I had become the one causing trouble.
I was the problem.

Back at the house of the woman who gave birth to me, nothing had changed.
There were still arguments.
She could be incredibly cruel.

One day I came downstairs wearing my favorite outfit—a pair of loose black trousers and a short, fitted red T-shirt.
She looked at me and said,

«If you dress like that, you’re going to get raped.»
She called me a whore.
She called me stupid.
And, above all, selfish.That was one of her favorite words for me.

I often found myself wondering how a mother could speak to her own child like that.
But eventually, you get used to it.

When she happened to be in a good mood, she would tell me I had a model’s body and that I should be proud of it.
But I can’t remember her ever saying anything kind about me as a person.

Dad was the complete opposite.
He wasn’t the kind of man who constantly handed out compliments or praise. As far as I can remember, it only happened a couple of times.
But he didn’t need to.

He was patient.
Funny.
Firm.
If he said no, it meant no.

He gave me security in a way the woman who gave birth to me never could.
With Dad, I always knew where I stood.

When the trial finally came, I was fifteen years old.
My aunt testified against me.
My lawyer had never been informed that the trial was taking place that day, so I arrived without legal representation.
Imagine asking a fifteen-year-old girl whether she wanted to go into the courtroom alone or wait.
I just wanted it to be over.
I had no understanding of what the consequences might be.
At the time, I didn’t realize how unacceptable that situation was.
To me, it felt like being violated all over again.
I lost the case.

And life moved on…

After the trial, my aunt came over to talk to me.
I think she wanted us to put everything behind us.
After all, she said, he had been «kind» enough not to demand that I pay his legal costs.

Now life was supposed to go back to normal.

But I quickly realized that «normal» was gone forever.
The only thing left for me was learning how to live with what had happened.

The following year came the wedding.
My aunt was marrying him.
To me, at sixteen years old, it felt like a nightmare.
I didn’t want to be there.
But I was firmly told that it would seem strange if I didn’t attend.

How can anyone force a child to celebrate the wedding of the man who shattered her soul?
I didn’t understand it then.
I still don’t understand it today.
I didn’t want to go.
I was anxious.
Tense.
I just wanted to escape.

The only safe place I had was my boyfriend.
He is still one of the kindest people I have ever known.
He was supposed to pick me up, but it never happened.
So I remained there for the entire evening.
With a smile glued to my face…
…while every part of my body remained on high alert.

My boyfriend met me when I needed him most.
Poor guy.
I don’t think he truly understood the depth of what I was going through.
But he could see that something was weighing heavily on me.
And even if he couldn’t fully understand it all, he stayed.
In his own quiet way.

He was calm.
Steady.
He loved me, even when I couldn’t love myself.
He became my rock.
When I finally realized he wasn’t going to leave me…
…he was all I had.

To be continued…