B.Løvetann

When the Darkness Comes from Within
In my last post, I wrote about learning to love yourself.
But what happens when the opposite takes over?
When the person attacking you… is yourself.

Self-Hatred
When you become your own worst enemy.
When you feel unworthy of love.
When you begin to believe that every painful thing that happens to you is somehow deserved.

And when life becomes so dark that you find yourself thinking something you never imagined you would:
What if he had just finished the job?
What if this struggle were finally over?
The struggle to feel worthy.
The struggle to keep wearing the mask.
The struggle to feel grateful while your body is screaming the exact opposite.

When Your Worth Is Taken from You as a Child
Being treated differently.
Abuse.
Physical and emotional violence.
Being exploited.
Losing your sense of safety because someone chose to destroy it.
It changes a child.

When you’re taught that your feelings don’t matter.
When you’re overlooked, underestimated, and made to believe you’re worth less than everyone else.

It’s easy to tear a person down.
It’s much harder to build them back up.

When your nervous system has lived in fear for years, it takes time to teach your body that it’s finally safe.

Complex PTSD – The Body Never Forgets
Living with Complex PTSD means the symptoms come in waves.
Destructive thoughts.
A loss of rational thinking.
Emotional numbness.
Feeling unsafe.
Depression.
Emotional detachment.
Apathy.
Shame.
Loneliness.
Isolation.

Sleep disappears.
Your appetite disappears.
Your energy disappears.
And the very thing you’re trying to escape…
becomes the thing you’re left alone with.

You isolate yourself.
Then you become lonely.
Then you isolate yourself even more.
Eventually, it feels as though you’re carrying a fifty-kilogram backpack on your soul.

When Your Body Cries Because You Can’t
Emotions that never have room to exist often become physical pain.
I’ve lived with pain since I was twelve or thirteen years old.
As an adult, that pain finally received a name:
Fibromyalgia.

The nightmares began even earlier.
Several times a week.
I was exhausted long before my life had really begun.

I believed everything other people had taught me about myself.
That I was worthless.
That no one would miss me.

And deep inside, one thought kept repeating itself:
How much can I endure before I finally give up?
Reasons to Stay

But the truth is…
I never really wanted to die.
I was simply searching for something that could make life a little less unbearable.
One small moment.
One reason.
One person to hold on to.

Then came The Mafia.
My three children, who remind me every single day why I’m still here.
And if love alone wasn’t enough…
stubbornness was.
I simply refused to leave K with all the responsibility on his own. 😅

We Believe We’re Alone—Until It’s Too Late
People who choose to end their lives often believe they don’t matter to anyone.
Yet those same people fill churches when they die.
To me, that says one thing:
They were wrong.
They just never had the chance to find out.
When the darkness becomes stronger than hope, we become blind to the love that still exists around us.

What Truly Matters
It isn’t money.
It isn’t possessions.
It isn’t applause.
It’s people.
The ones who accept you.
The ones you can laugh with.
Cry with.
Be completely yourself around.
Without a mask.
Without pretending.

And children…
They deserve a mother who stays alive.
Even on the hardest days.

A Choice
I choose to stay.
Even when it’s hard.
Because every human being deserves to be well.
Everyone deserves to feel loved.
Everyone deserves to know that they matter.
Because we do.

And no matter how dark life becomes, the road is always a little easier to walk when you don’t have to walk it alone.

I am so much more than what you see…
…but also so much less.

Above all, I am simply a human being.
And that is enough.