B.Løvetann

You Feel It in Your Body
You feel it everywhere.
The symptoms grew worse over time, which came as a shock to me. I thought it would get easier. I believed time would help.
But it didn’t.

As autumn passed, fear became part of my everyday life.
When I walked to my car in the morning, I was afraid to open the front door—afraid that he would be standing there, waiting for me.
When I finished work, I was afraid he would be in the parking lot.
When I came home, I was afraid he was already inside the house.

I often didn’t dare look out of the living room window, terrified that he might suddenly be standing on the porch.
I couldn’t leave my bedroom window open at night because I was afraid he would reach in and grab my arm as I was getting into bed.
My body was in a constant state of alert.
My jaw ached.

I slept poorly—when I managed to fall asleep at all.
I barely ate.
I was constantly exhausted.
There was a constant restlessness inside me that repeatedly triggered panic attacks.

The exhaustion ran so deep that my thoughts sometimes became:
Just let me go.
Let me find peace.
It was eating me alive from the inside.

I was alive.
But I was living inside a prison of my own mind.
A nightmare.

«He will wipe every tear from their eyes.
There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,
for the former things have passed away.»
Revelation 21:4