B.Løvetann

Does My Body Have an Emotional Identity Crisis?

Honestly…

What’s going on with these day-to-day emotional swings?

One day I feel like a queen.

Like I can handle anything.

The next day, I’m irritated by the smallest things, only to realize that I’m not really angry…

I’m just sad.

I don’t quite understand what’s happening to me.

Today, I had a pretty short fuse at work.

When I got into my car to drive home, all I wanted to do was turn off my headset.

Instead, it started messing around with the Bluetooth pairing.

I got annoyed.

Pressed buttons.

Tried again.

Became more and more frustrated.

Then I stopped.

I caught myself smiling.

“What on earth is going on?”

And suddenly…

I felt it.

The sadness.

Am I angry…

…because I’m actually hurting?

That’s when I realized just how good I am at fooling myself. 😅

I think I’ve been carrying sadness around for a long time.

It’s hidden deep inside me.

Inside the black pillar I always talk about.

It’s filled with grief.

Filled with longing.

Filled with everything I’ve never really managed to let out.

It feels as if simply scratching the surface is enough to make it hurt.

And whenever that pillar begins to come a little closer to the light…

or I get a little too close to it…

something changes.

That’s when I long for someone.

Someone to hold me.

Someone to lie beside.

Not because I expect them to fix me.

But because my body still longs for the safety that little girl never had.

The little girl who had to stand on her own.

The little girl who needed someone to protect her.

Who needed to feel that she mattered.

Then the questions begin.

How do I get rid of this darkness?

This sadness?

This pain?

How do I open that pillar when it’s been sealed shut for so long?

I know it’s there.

I can feel it.

But I can’t quite reach it.

What I notice instead is the restlessness.

The irritation.

The anger.

And hidden beneath it all is a sadness that almost takes my breath away.

Then both my body and my mind are left asking:

“What am I actually feeling?”

“Why do I feel this?”

Sometimes I can feel the tears coming.

But right when they should fall…

…my body freezes.

As if it has no idea what it’s supposed to do.

Maybe my body is simply having an emotional identity crisis. 😅

So here I am.

Eating potato chips.

Feeling happy.

While my stomach and my chest are arguing over which emotion gets to be the loudest.

Well…

At least I can laugh about it.

And I suppose that’s something positive, after all. ❤️