B.Løvetann

Here I am, sitting and thinking about what my days have been like lately.

One day is good.

The next is incredibly hard.

Then comes a panic attack.

The day after that, I’m full of energy and almost feel like I’ve been born again.

And today?

Today I’m completely exhausted, irritable, and I can feel the anxiety sitting heavily in my chest.

It’s almost as if it doesn’t want to let go completely.

It just takes a break.

Today my body feels drained. I feel anxious, uneasy, and there’s a kind of fear I can’t quite put into words.

It’s been a long time since I’ve gone through such an emotionally unstable period.

And I can’t help but wonder…

Why did this suddenly happen?

Has it been buried inside me for a long time, just waiting to surface? Did the chiropractic treatment trigger something? Or is it something entirely different?

At the same time, I’ve entered early menopause.

My body is going through so many changes. I notice them almost every single day. My hormones seem to have a mind of their own, so I started taking birth control pills to help regulate some of the symptoms.

But then I started wondering…

Have they only helped regulate my body?

Or have they also affected my mind?

Could my hormones be contributing to this emotional roller coaster?

If things don’t improve, I’ll probably have to stop taking them. I don’t think I can handle feeling this emotionally unstable for much longer. Just living with that unpredictability is exhausting enough.

Speaking of menopause…

Imagine reaching a stage where your body quietly begins preparing for the next chapter of life.

In many ways, I actually find that comforting. My body is slowly letting go of its “female duties.”

But at the same time…

I wasn’t prepared for my body to change so much that it almost feels unfamiliar.

It’s as though I have to get to know my body all over again.

And maybe…

…myself as well.

I’ve spent so much of my life becoming the person I am today.

Just when I finally started feeling comfortable in my own skin, I suddenly have to learn who I am all over again.

It’s almost like being fourteen again.

Suddenly my body reacts differently.

I feel emotions I’ve never experienced before.

I see life from new perspectives.

It’s strange.

But if I’m being honest…

…it’s also a little exciting.

And then I have to laugh.

Because while my hormones seem to be running around playing their own little game, and every morning my body asks:

“So… how are we feeling today? How are we feeling today?”

…I’m standing there waiting for the day’s result.

Almost like a game of Russian roulette.

Which mood are we going to get today?

Well…

You just have to roll with it.

So while I’m trying to help my body find its footing again, I’m also trying to create a calmer environment around me.

I’m trying to eat healthier.

Sleep better.

Keep my home more organized.

Give my body the best possible conditions to recover.

Because one thing I’ve realized lately is this:

It doesn’t always help to work only on what’s happening inside if everything on the outside is chaos.

And maybe the opposite is true as well.

Maybe the body needs a little peace around it before it can find peace within.

I have to admit…

This isn’t exactly what I imagined my forties would be like.

But then again…

Life is giving me another opportunity to get to know myself.

To discover new sides of who I am.

And if you have a sense of humor, maybe you’ll end up with a few good stories to laugh about later on.

For me, humor—especially dark humor—has always been one of the best ways to process life.

And today…

…on what’s been a rather grumpy day…

…that feels pretty wonderful.

❤️